wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
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