I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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