If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
