I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
