If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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