When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
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