so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
