I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
