it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
