Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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