So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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