i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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