I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
People in love make me want to vomit
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
