You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
