I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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