porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Send help, water and tortillas.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
