i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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