In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Randomize
