Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
