FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
