Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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