Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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