i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
