and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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