proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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