I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
