I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
