no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
