I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
