Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
