I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
