I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize