I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
