last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
