cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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