Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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