She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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