He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You can't special order awesome
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
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