Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize