I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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