No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
