I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
