i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
