nut hugger
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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