You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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