K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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