Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
