come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
jump out the window naked night went bad
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