Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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