you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
