My cat gives me a boner
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
