Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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