wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
