god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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