I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize