Will you blow on my dice?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
