I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
