I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
