matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
