I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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