You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Randomize
