The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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