My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
