i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
