fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
