Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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