and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
